What Happened When I Did Tell

Book excerpt

By: Carolyn Ainscough and Kay Toon

Date: 2000

Source: Ainscough, Carolyn, and Kay Toon. Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse. United Kingdom: Fisher Books, 2000.

About the Author: Coauthors Carolyn Ainscough and Kay Toon both attended Leeds University in England, where they met while training as clinical psychologists. After graduating, they went to work for the Wakefield Health Authority. Ainscough and Toon specialize in the effects of sexual abuse, and have presented numerous workshops, lectures, and interviews on the subject, both in the United Kingdom and around the world.

INTRODUCTION

Sexual abuse, especially when the victim is a child, can not only have serious, long-term effects on a person's ability to have a normal sexual relationship, but also on the ways in which a person relates to others in general. Sexual abuse survivors have many reasons to avoid discussing their experiences, but high among them is a fear that if they admit what happened and try to discuss the abuse with a friend or advisor, that person will either refuse to believe them or will make light of their suffering and thereby invalidate the experience. Many survivors do find that the first, second, or even the tenth person they tell about their abuse proves unable to give them the help they want and need. However, there are people willing and able to assist abuse survivors, and it is important for people who have suffered from sexual abuse to continue to tell their stories until they find the support they require.

PRIMARY SOURCE

Once survivors stop feeling ashamed and blaming themselves for the abuse, they begin talking about it to other people. Survivors are frequently surprised to find that many of their friends and family tell them that they too, have been sexually abused, sometimes by the same abuser.

Nowadays the sexual abuse of children is in the news. More people know about it. More people are ready to listen and act to protect children and help adults. People are still around who won't listen, won't believe, will deny it, won't protect, and will abuse. However, there are more and more people around who will help. Try to find one of these people….

Ingrid's story

Ingrid first told a childhood friend about the abuse and wasn't believed. She continued to tell different people for more than thirty years until, at last, she got a sympathetic response and some help:

I think I may have told some friends at school, when I was still a child, but I don't have a clear memory of that. I know that later I told my first husband, before I married him, when I was seventeen. I didn't like sex and thought it may have had something to do with my past. He believed me but put little importance on the fact I had been abused. He beat me and took me in a sexual way that showed no love, no concern, no care for me. During my seven-year marriage to him, my problems increased. At times I became introverted and tried to analyze my problems to find a way to solve them. I couldn't do it on my own. I knew that only outside help could help me get rid of the memories that still haunted me. Very early in my marriage I realized I wouldn't get help from my husband, so I went to my primary-care doctor in Germany and told him, asking him to help me. His words: "Too bad, but forget about it, it's in the past." I had trusted him completely before, but when he could not respond to my need, not even see my need, I lost that trust. It took a few months for me to recover from the shock….

My husband had many affairs, which made me feel even more inferior, and again I realized that I needed to sort out my life before I could sort out my marriage. I made an appointment with a marriage counselor, not to complain about my husband's behavior, but to tell the female counselor about the abuse and my consequent dislike for sex. She said what I liked or didn't like was not important, and if I wanted my husband to remain faithful I would have to satisfy him in bed. She thought it was silly of me to make such a fuss over something so long in the past.

Again I walked home feeling empty and degraded. I spoke to no more people in the medical profession, people who should have known that professional help was needed. Always the response was, "Forget about it. He won't do it any more, so why do you worry about it?" By then I'd realized that more problems had developed, not only my distaste for sex. Every time I tried to tell someone who might be able to help, I also explained the effects the abuse had on me. I got no help. Maybe I told the wrong people? I asked my brother to help me, begging my abuser to help me overcome the damage he did, by keeping out of my way. I was trying to avoid him. He didn't help me. He came to my house when he wanted to. Because my first husband had become friends with him and the lover of my brother's wife (with my brother's approval), I saw him frequently. I could not tell my parents. I felt I had to protect them from knowledge of what their son had done. But I talked to my sister, two cousins and an aunt and told them what he had done. They may have believed me, I don't know, but they looked at me in disgust and said, "He's got his faults, but he's also got his good sides, you shouldn't always see bad in people. He is our brother!" I was made to feel ashamed for telling the truth.

I withdrew into myself for a while and wondered if it was worth the bother. By belittling something that I felt had destroyed the value of my life they belittled me. One problem increased—the feeling of being worthless and of no importance. Not even my … family seemed to care about my pain, and nobody was going to help me.

I stopped telling anybody for about two years after my divorce while I tried to find out who I was and what direction to [take] in my life. When I met my second husband and knew I was going to marry him, I told him about my childhood experiences … If he has a problem, he ignores it and pretends it goes away. He believes me but is completely unwilling to listen to me talk about the past or my problems. So again, no help.

Because my regular primary-care doctor in Wakefield wasn't available, I saw someone else in his office when I went in with a minor health problem. I had not spoken about the abuse for about three years, apart from when I told my second husband. It was time to try again, because I knew I needed help. I didn't want to risk this marriage breaking up because I was an unfeeling partner during lovemaking. I don't think the doctor even heard what I was telling him. He never looked up from writing a prescription. He didn't say a word. By now I'd learned that if I wanted to tell someone about the abuse, I had to put all those years, all the pain and all the effects the abuse had on me into two or three sentences. I never got more time than that to talk about it. I was always interrupted with some patronizing remark. This time I didn't wait to recover from being rejected in my need for help. Within days I saw a female doctor in the family planning clinic and told her the same story. Her advice to overcome my dislike of physical contact was to "satisfy myself …" if I couldn't find pleasure with a man. To a victim of sexual abuse who looks on sex as dirty and degrading, this is the most unhelpful suggestion there is.

Every time I told someone, the emptiness in me grew. I was so eager to find some response, someone who would say, "Tell me about it, I'll help you." I knew what my brother did was wrong. I wanted reassurance that it was wrong, someone to reinforce my belief that it was his fault that I wasn't feeling the way other women feel.

I tried to talk about it a few more times to people, mostly friends. They hardly acknowledged what they heard; none of them was supportive. Then I gave up. I resigned myself to never being able to enjoy sex; always having thoughts that I was less worthy than others; never losing the fear that my son would abuse his sisters; and all the other problems that I knew resulted from the sexual abuse I suffered as a child.

Suddenly I had some personal tragedies, which had nothing to do with my past. They came within a few weeks of each other and I became depressed. After three weeks, I went to see one of the [doctors] to get some drugs to help. I gave her all the reasons why I thought things were getting too much for me. Again I mentioned … that I was abused as a child. For the first time in my life someone looked at me with sympathy, encouraging me to keep talking about it. We talked for about ten minutes. Never before was I allowed to say so much about how I felt … She told me about the Survivors group and asked if [I would] be interested in joining them. I almost cried with relief…. I was interested!

The new group had just started, so I had to wait three months before I could join, but from that day onward I felt protected. I saw that even though more than thirty years had passed since I first asked for help, it was not too late. We can change our lives, no matter how long it takes. The hardest part for me was always the moments just after telling someone, when I was not believed or [told] to forget it. But whenever I felt close to giving up I thought … somewhere, someone must care. I just had to find that person. Now I think that perseverance was the right way for me. If I had given up trying, I would not be the woman I am now. I am happier now and more fulfilled than I have ever been before.

SIGNIFICANCE

Sexual abuse by an older person against a child takes many forms, including sexual kissing, touching, and oral, vaginal, or anal intercourse. It can also exist in the form of non-physical sexual behavior, such as nude photography, revealing the adult's genital areas, or verbal threats of a sexual nature. In the majority of sexual abuse cases, the perpetrator knows the child, but is not a relative. Instead they are neighbors, family friends, a babysitter, or some other person who has easy contact. Only approximately thirty percent of known instances of sexual child abuse take place with a family member, and approximately ten percent with a stranger.

Because the adult abusing the child is so frequently a person that child knows and trusts, it becomes very difficult for a child to speak about the abuse to someone else. The abuser, simply by taking advantage of their relationship to the child, has automatically damaged that child's ability to trust other adults, forcing them to question their own judgment as to whether a person is actually trustworthy. Children in this situation wonder if any adult can be relied upon to protect them from their abuser, or even if any adult will believe their world over that of another grown up. Additionally, the abuser often plays upon their age and relationship with the child to pressure him or her into remaining silent about the abuse. By stressing their relationship to the child, the adult makes the child an active participant in keeping the abuse quiet, making it a game or a secret between the two of them. Conversely, the adult might threaten the child, stating that something bad might happen to them or to their loved ones if they tell the truth, thereby using fear and guilt to keep the child from reporting the abusive behavior.

Sexual child abuse, if not treated early, can have long-term effects on the child that continue into adulthood. Signs that a child might be experiencing sexual abuse include nightmares or trouble sleeping, unusual interest in things of a sexual nature, depression or withdrawal from friends and family, an inappropriate seductiveness for their age, secrecy, a refusal to go to school, increased aggressive behavior, and even suicidal tendencies. Poor self-esteem, depression, sexual anxiety and disorders, and additional unhealthy behavior such as alcoholism, drug use, eating disorders, and self mutilation, can continue to haunt victims of abuse as they grow older. In addition, survivors of abuse often have an unrealistic outlook when it comes to relationships. They frequently find that they continue to nurture abusive relationships into their adult lives, even though the abuse is not necessarily still sexual in nature. That dynamic has become normal to them, and they need to relearn ways to relate to people in order to find themselves in healthier friendships and/or marriages.

It is vitally important that children who have been sexually abused receive the care and support they need to overcome this abuse. Although the survivor might have trouble bringing themselves to talk about the abuse, it is necessary for their recovery. Even if a person rejects their appeal for help, a survivor needs to continue trying to talk about their problems. If the first person cannot help them, they must remain persistent and move on to the next person. There are doctors and support groups trained to handle the emotional backlash that results from being abused sexually as a child, and survivors wishing support need to seek out these resources. Likewise, anyone who discovers that a friend or family member is struggling with the aftermath of sexual abuse, needs to be supportive of that person, even if they do not understand the best way to help them. Simply believing the abuse survivor is the first step in helping them find the support they require.

FURTHER RESOURCES

Books

Bass, Ellen, and Laura Davis. The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. New York: Collins Books 1994.

Web sites

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. "Child Sexual Abuse No. 9." 〈httphttp://www.aacap.org/publications/factsfam/sexabuse.htm〉 (accessed March 2, 2006).

National Center for Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. "Child Sexual Abuse." 〈http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/facts/specific/fs_child_sexual_abuse.html〉 (accessed March 2, 2006).

Prevent Abuse Now.com. "Sexual Abuse." 〈http://www.prevent-abuse-now.com/〉 (accessed March 4, 2006).